It's the day after my birthday. Not a "big" birthday ... the milestone birthdays are gone now its checking off the decades I suppose. It was a nice birthday. Nothing grand (they never have been) my beautiful daughter got up and cleaned the living room and made me breakfast... a feast. I had a cup of coffee, bowl of cereal, sliced banana and cantaloupe, and my choice of bagel with whipped or non-whipped cream cheese all waiting for me once she allowed me downstairs. I did homework and we had dinner with friends. My child was somewhat traumatized by the hibachi grill experience but stuck with it until I was done eating.
So now what? Back to some retrospection I suppose. What's new? Nothing. What's old? Everything. I've been pretty quiet lately. Not much to say and it's somewhat unnerving to me. I am worried I am crawling back into my shell [insert Lady GaGa's egg here] I feel like I am on the inside with an industrial sized tube of super glue filling in all the cracks as I try to put it back together. DAMN! This is not where I want to be. And even as I say this is where I am, because this is where I have been before. And it doesn't feel right.
You know that moment you accomplish something great, something is done that you had such great anxiety you feel this weight physically lifted off of you? I have had it many times but I still carry a weight. I feel it with EVERY breath I take. I can't tell you how long it's been there or when I first noticed it. I feel this weight and my shell have a connection. Because as my shell seems to be cracked and reforming around me I have noticed the weight increase as well.
I need to break out of this shell... once and for all. Shatter the pieces and spread ashes like that of the person I once was. I just wish I knew what to do next...
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