Change Gonna Come

It's been a long, a long time coming, but I know
A change gonna come. Oh yes it will.

Funny how sometimes you simply say what you want. What you feel you need. And within a short amount of time an opportunity presents itself. It doesn't happen often... which is why when it does you take it. You try not to over analyze it or run scared. I have said for a long time, I know I need out of my shell. I need to do things for me (and not let guilt sneak up on me). It's time.

I have creeped back into my shell recently. I had a situation that caused me to do so, not in a bad way but I thought my shell would help. My protective shell doesn't fit me anymore, huh interesting how this growth thing works.

I need to meet new people. That's what I said. And suddenly within the two weeks since I have said it I have more than a few new social networking friends, on a couple sites. I have a friend telling me she wants to introduce me to someone. And I feel more confident (crazy I just used that word in reference to myself) when I am talking to people. I said it, I put it out there for you Secret believers ... ask and you shall receive. I did this because my bubble is too small. I mainly have these 4 groups 1. Family 2. High School friends 3. College friends and 4. (Former) Work friends. Not that any of them are bad and not that any new person I meet won't fit into one of those categories or that there aren't a (loved) stray or two that aren't categorized. I selfishly admit I want more.

I said previously I feel I am purely ordinary to look at, I do believe that. Because of it I tend to roll my eyes when someone gives me a compliment. I simply don't see myself that way. I know this is my issue ... I'm getting better and trying to just smile and say thank you but often I feel awkward. Like when someone is singing Happy Birthday to me... what are you supposed to do? Give a compliment back? Ok uhm this is what I would like to do but admittedly I am very bad at this... I want to blame it on the EX. I probably went 6 of the 8 years we were married (that may be me being nice too) without a compliment, not even a "you look nice today" or even "a nice ass" (it is, this I acknowledge wholeheartedly). I was told by my EX's sister that I am intimidating that men would have a hard time approaching me because I come off strong and independent, like I don't need them. Well if you met me on the street you would know I am not the least bit intimidating. But I am strong and I am independent. I had to be. And if they are anything like her brother, the EX, and feel me to be too strong and  independent to want them it's probably because they are too weak and needy for me anyway. And I don't want or need them!

So I here it is ... I am entering the world of meeting people. Seems silly I know. I plan on, very soon, writing a post that may help explain my crazy insecurities. But this is a big step .. it means I am meeting people, talking to people, attempting to get out of this cracked and super glued shell (that is suddenly too small for me) once and for all. No running no over analyzing. I am very go with the flow when in the moment but give me time to think .... and I will and will and will. I need both courage and encouragement but I can do this. Change gonna come, oh yes will.

The day after...

It's the day after my birthday. Not a "big" birthday ... the milestone birthdays are gone now its checking off the decades I suppose. It was a nice birthday. Nothing grand (they never have been) my beautiful daughter got up and cleaned the living room and made me breakfast... a feast. I had a cup of coffee, bowl of cereal, sliced banana and cantaloupe, and my choice of bagel with whipped or non-whipped cream cheese all waiting for me once she allowed me downstairs. I did homework and we had dinner with friends. My child was somewhat traumatized by the hibachi grill experience but stuck with it until I was done eating.

So now what? Back to some retrospection I suppose. What's new? Nothing. What's old? Everything. I've been pretty quiet lately. Not much to say and it's somewhat unnerving to me. I am worried I am crawling back into my shell [insert Lady GaGa's egg here] I feel like I am on the inside with an industrial sized tube of super glue filling in all the cracks as I try to put it back together. DAMN! This is not where I want to be. And even as I say this is where I am, because this is where I have been before. And it doesn't feel right.

You know that moment you accomplish something great, something is done that you had such great anxiety you feel this weight physically lifted off of you? I have had it many times but I still carry a weight. I feel it with EVERY breath I take. I can't tell you how long it's been there or when I first noticed it. I feel this weight and my shell have a connection. Because as my shell seems to be cracked and  reforming around me I have noticed the weight increase as well.

I need to break out of this shell... once and for all. Shatter the pieces and spread ashes like that of the person I once was. I just wish I knew what to do next...