2010

2010 I am simply glad to see you over. You taught me a lot and for that I thank you but honestly some of it I could have done without. If I had to sum my year up it would be "Ein Unglück kommt selten allein" which in English means "One disaster rarely comes alone."

Sadness and heartache I leave you behind. Being so insecure and shy... I hope to say goodbye to you soon too.

I am optimistic about 2011, strangely I feel a lot like I did a few years ago. I have a feeling this year will bring about changes. Changes in me and around me. Growth throughout. I have no resolutions to report, I just want this year to be better than the last.

Invisible Me

Do you ever have those days where you just feel invisible? A day that you could be talking to people and then you realize they aren't listening. Maybe someone speaks over you in order for this realization to take place... maybe you just know.

Most days I have wanted to feel invisible. I have spent most of my life as a wallflower so the idea of being invisible is usually like cuddling up with a soft warm blanket on a cold night. Comfortable. But today it was anything but. My first post commented on my state of restlessness... maybe this is part of that, part of what was previously unnamed. I am shy, easily embarrassed and by no means outspoken but when I speak I would like to know that someone is listening.

I have no goal to ever be the center of attention but sometimes being noticed or appreciated and knowing I have made a difference by my actions would be nice. I am here. I am evolving. And through that change I want to be seen. To be heard. To be felt.

~ And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
–Anaïs Nin ~

I think that is where I am. This pain and restlessness is pushing me to bloom. To want more for myself and to validate the wants I have. So my goal for this coming new year is just that.

scrambled words

I sit here with no real purpose to this posting ... scrambled words running through my head. That's what my time has been like ... scrambled words running through my head. I haven't sat down and watched a movie for a while, I should try it again. Reading has been an escape for me ... the words on the page distract from the words in my head.

Some of my friends they say they are worried about me... I have lost too much weight (ha) ... I seem so down ... they haven't heard me say some of the not so flattering things about myself before now. I've said them, I've always said them ... maybe they just weren't heard before because they were said behind a smile? Am I sad, yes. I have reasons to be sad. I am allowed to be sad. I am a strong woman, I am sad but I am okay. So do I need to see a professional, do I need to go to counseling, ha again! No. I have my blog. Welcome to my couch. Maybe this will be read by one or a hundred people, maybe none. But the scrambled words are running from my head through my body and out my newly shortened and painted fingernails. And although sadness is in me I feel a bit of contentment as well. I know that the valleys seem so deep because the mountains are so big. My mountain climbing days are far from over.

Steel & Water Don't Mix

My version went a little different than the scene which is like how the book describes it.
My version wasn't in person and went like this...

Boy: Have you ever been Cubed?
Girl: Cubed?
Boy: It's shrink's way of defining your character...it was made popular by the movie Serendipity. I'll ask you a series of questions, and you simply answer with the first thought that honestly comes to mind.
Girl: Seen the movie... love the word... but no
Boy: You wanna try it?
Girl: I suppose, on one condition
Boy: What's that?
Girl: You answer the same questions?
Boy: Deal... Now imagine a cube. Any cube, made of anything... Tell me the first thing that came to your mind...what color was it, what was it made of and what size was it?
Girl: an ice cube, various shades of blue ... medium in size but melting
Boy: Very good... picture you with it... where are you in relation to it?
Girl: Not far but not close enough to touch either
Boy: Now picture the environment around you and the cube... describe it... i.e. the season, temperature, shade of light, indoors or out.
Girl: outside, its warm, I see light but through trees, lots of trees its humid and I hear birds and a waterfall
Boy: Nice, now... imagine an equine creature...What kind is it, and where is it in relation to yourself and your cube?
Girl: A black stallion, it's in the trees not close
Boy: Okay, I need a minute to review ... hmm you're quite interesting
Girl: uh oh what does that mean?
Boy: Your cube is your heart
Girl: Ice cold... how nice
Boy: Yours is... well not so much emphasis on the temperature, but the current state... It's melting and shades of blue. The funny thing is that it's out of your reach, but not far. The environment is your current state of being... or the place you are in your life... You described a pleasant place with peaceful surroundings. So all in all it's quite interesting.
Girl: And this equine creature?
Boy: UHM, That's your current romantic interest. So you should probably know it's not fair for me to answer these as I know what it all means. I can tell you, but you wouldn't believe my answers... but I'll have you know, I cubed myself before I asked you if you'd ever been cubed... It was my way of coming to terms with everything going through my head.
Girl: Well I am still curious enough to ask.
Boy: My cube is very large... like house size. It's made from stainless steel, and has a man size door on one side. I am sitting on top of it. The environment is warm, the sun is slowly setting and the cube rests firmly in a grassy field surrounded by forests. The equine creature is Pegasus, and it's sitting perched near me on top. Good enough?
Girl: Is there more?
Boy: Not exactly...I've just never been able to picture an equine creature in the past. Let alone one like Pegasus, look it up on wikipedia... pay close attention to the notion of the springs.

And just like that the image stuck in the girl's head. Not the girl's cube, the melting ice cube of a heart. No... this house sized stainless steel structure. This cube with a man sized door on the side. The boy sat atop his legs over the side looking down over the edge while the sun set in the trees behind. With a magical creature, a white winged horse, Pegasus, behind him just over his left shoulder.

It was with her from that moment on, closing her eyes she can still see it. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt such inspiration. Always being an artist and always doing something creative but never before did something linger for so long. So she decided this image wasn't her's to create, it was his. The boy with the stainless steel heart, the boy who had the same material stamped with all his vital information draped around his neck. Pencil went to paper and paint soon followed. For months the image never wavered. Boy and girl chatted almost daily and often for hours at a time. Sometimes a week would go by when the girl didn't paint but the catalyst remained. Boy would go off and do his job and girl would miss those chats. Boy would come back and the chats would resume. He would tell girl how much she was missed and how thinking of her helped him get through. How boy had never missed anyone like that before and how much he liked girl. Girl painted more.

Then one day, many months after it all started, the chats were no more, the boy was gone. Boy didn't go off to do his job, boy just fell silent to girl. Girl was confused and tried to talk to boy... but boy was done with girl. And somehow girl although hurt by this was not surprised.

The image still coming to life on paper now felt cold as the stainless steel of the boy's heart. The girl's ice heart that had been melting began to refreeze. Unfinished as it was the girl could not stand to look at the painting anymore. She couldn't throw it away, many hours over months went into this, but now girl felt nothing but pain from it. The brilliant colors of the sunset against the dark of the trees, in the middle of a grassy field sat the stainless steel box. A door on the left side, rivets holding it all together. And on top sat a boy looking over, down at the door below, behind him just a pencil sketch of the winged horse. Girl wrapped the painting in plastic and sent it to boy. A letter saying it is left as we are left ... unfinished, the image was never mine, always yours. I never had any intention to keep it, only make it's partner ... the cube of ice, melting. It will take many more hours to finish so do with it what you want. Only send it back if we, like the painting, aren't finished.

Boy who was far away received the painting some weeks later. What he did with it is unknown. Girl can't even imagine what happened to it, she can only guess it went in the same place his birthday present went, where his broken promises went. But it is probably best she not know. The silence persists (again the girl is not surprised) but girl can only wonder, did the water rust the stainless steel?

Girl would like to thank boy, for making her begin to believe again, for that feeling when a heart that has been quiet for so long starts to slowly beat and come back to life. For being the first to call her gorgeous and tell her that her brown eyes are anything but boring. Girl would like to tell boy that the lies were never necessary. The obvious ones and the ones he has no idea she is aware of, like how his rank was of no matter to her. That she knows it wasn't all a lie which has confused her more. To ask why, and other questions she knows will never be answered. To tell boy that she misses the friendship she thought they had. And that even after all of it she wants the boy to be okay because she knows he has a lot of healing to do. Lastly, to let the boy know her heart was never ice, not really. She knows the ice was only there to protect her from boys like him.

But that boy will never know these things because this girl was so easily disregarded. But boy, with your soldier's honor, your fear for nothing and the standard you want your daughter to live up too, you are simply a coward.