Cause and Effect

I have written this blog for a few months now ... getting out the ramblings of the damaged. That is how it started. I needed it out, a place to store it and feel safe. But even though I have been honest here, I have been reserved too.

Over the course of the last year I have felt every emotion my little brain can think of. Fear, excitement, sadness, joy, anxiety, ecstasy, grief, happiness, guilt, confusion, loneliness, panic, love, belief, anger, hurt, contentment, betrayal, euphoria, loss ... and the list goes on. I am guarded and even writing this it is often difficult for me. How do I sound? Does it make sense? Did I reveal too much? Did I say the wrong thing? I over analyze ... it's me. I'm trying not to do that, really trying, but I have always done it.

I wrote a post called Steel & Water Don't Mix .. I did it in early-November ... it was one of my firsts but it was so hard for me to hit the little orange "Publish Post" I read it ... reread it ... edited it ... had someone else read it ... and started the process over again. I published it and quickly wrote another one. But I felt a sense of relief when it was done and out there, a weight was lifted. And my healing was great that day.

I have been reminded of the pain I felt when I first started that post, a new friend with a familiar soul. Our pain similar, our stories all too alike as well. I won't lie and say the pain has vanished ... the scar is still pink but the wound is closed. I do worry that I could have saved her from this pain, guilt comes easy to me. But old friends often fail to listen to me so how could I expect a new one to? I'm a romantic, and the idea of a sad tragedy having some "happily ever after" to come from it was enough for me to stay quiet. Who am I to stand in love's way? When he runs her off to wed in Vegas and they make beautiful babies my pain will have cause. Instead I learned that wasn't the case. Boy is what I had hoped him not to be yet again, a coward. And so now I am going to attempt to expel some anger and a little more hurt.

I suppose honesty is too much to ask of some people these days. I see no point in the lies. But I can only be me. True to myself and those around me. And I was that. I was true to boy and continue to be with everyone. When I first started talking to boy he asked "What is your biggest pet peeve?" My answer ... lying. Now I know boy's lies started even before this. But I don't get the purpose. I know life always throws stones at us attempting to shape us ... but why do it intentionally? Do you set out with the plan of hurting people? Is your heart the stainless steel I have come to think it is? Or do you like the feeling of falling in love, once your hook is in do you bore so easily you toss it back out to sea with a new scar? Is it really as simple as a game to you?

I don't hold hatred in my heart. I think of it much like a cancer eating away. I refuse to let boy own any piece of this heart in love or hate. The scar still remains, pink. As for my familiar soul... she is strong, probably much stronger than she thinks she is. I will be there for her as much as she wants me to. Help her laugh through it more than cry. Although our friendship is new I hope that it continues to grow I think we have a lot in common and much to learn from one another. Maybe that is the happy ending ... a new friend with a familiar soul.

2011 ... are you ready?

I have said my farewells to 2010.

I have been asked many times what do I want out of life. My answer is always simple but not at all detailed, to live and to experience. This is my personal list, and 2011 I hope you are ready because I plan on marking some items off this list. As always suggestions welcomed ;)

• Skydive
• Get my nose pierced
• Add to my personal canvas more, tattoos
• Travel ... travel ... travel
• Write a book
• Own a home again
• Own a vacation home
• Have a "weekend" car
• Like the reflection in the mirror
• Go on a shopping spree
• Take my family on a big vacation
• Never stop adding to this list
• Take pictures of EVERYTHING
• Love my family and friends like there is no tomorrow
• Never stop growing, learning, caring, and believing
• Learn to "let my hair down"
• Learn to play the guitar
• Learn to play the piano
• Fly on an airplane ... or a helicopter
• Experience as many concerts as I can
• Find something I love to do, can be passionate about .. and pays the bills
• Read, read, and read
• Break out of my shell
• Rid myself and my home of clutter
• Accept my inner darkness and let her out to play more
• Have stories to tell ... and pictures to prove it
• Always stay open minded
• Be honest ... even if it hurts ... especially with myself
• Help others
• Meet new people
• Always laugh and smile more than I frown and cry ... even if its hard
• Listen to my "gut" I have failed it more than it has me
• Remember I have no power over others, not through loyalty, love, friendship
   or blood. I can only account for myself and my path ... theirs is theirs
   to walk... with or without me beside them is their choice
• Hope optimism wins the internal war and not beat myself up when
   pessimism wins a battle
• Not let fear get in my way

It's not complete, it's a start. This is my list for me and me alone, not that I don't have a list for my family life, or that these items will be done alone. I am tired of waiting for life to happen, I have to make it happen... 2011 is that start of that ;)