My daughter is back in school. No matter what the weather is outside this only means one thing ... summer is over. This makes me sad on so many levels. I hate hate hate the cold weather and as beautiful as fall is in Ohio it is the precursor to winter.
I finished a post yesterday that I started months ago. Tsk tsk I told myself. Writing this started as a therapeutic exercise. Something I just wanted to do to get the good the bad and the ugly off my chest. But somehow it collected dust recently and there were a few times I should have really used it.
I need to meet new people. That's what I said. And suddenly within the two weeks since I have said it I have more than a few new social networking friends, on a couple sites. I have a friend telling me she wants to introduce me to someone. And I feel more confident (crazy I just used that word in reference to myself) when I am talking to people. I said it, I put it out there for you Secret believers ... ask and you shall receive. I did this because my bubble is too small. I mainly have these 4 groups 1. Family 2. High School friends 3. College friends and 4. (Former) Work friends. Not that any of them are bad and not that any new person I meet won't fit into one of those categories or that there aren't a (loved) stray or two that aren't categorized. I selfishly admit I want more.
I have since met some amazing new people. And walked a couple rough roads with them too. But sadly I recently discovered that my admittedly selfish need to meet new people hurt some of those dear friends I already had. Well at least I think it did the details are still fuzzy to me.
It started in May. End of quarter craziness on my part. But being a social networking society I found this adorable picture that reminded me of my bestie and I posted it on her page.
This did not go over as expected. Looking back there was no expectation just a picture that reminded me of her. Her response: "Is this your way of saying our friendship is changing or that your moving back to (insert hometown that I escaped from here)". I was shocked b/c it's not what I would have ever imagined. But yes our friendship was changing ... we were changing. She was blessed to be pregnant with her second child. And I was and am in place of change in life and self. Just because change occurs doesn't mean it's bad. Fast-forward a while and we were scheduled to have a garage sale. And that was a disaster. We were both pretty disorganized with it and and my kiddo was off at camp that week. So I took advantage of the day before and went down to a waterpark with another friend, this was told and known. What was a nice day turned horrible when shit hit the fan in my world. *Note people who know me well know that I need to internally process shit before I can externally talk about it. I got a text the night before the sale saying since we hadn't talked all day that the sale wouldn't happen the next day. Ok, sure. I honestly wasn't able to mentally or physically deal with it ... fine. So we had it the following day ... and then it rained. So we packed it up and tried the following day. It was not a success so we decided to try again, more prepared, in a few weeks. Those weeks passed, we had it, but truly no more prepared then the first time.
It was after that that I became slammed with stuff. It was summer so my girlie was around, I was still reeling from my "shit hitting the fan" day, and schoolwork was consuming. I was taking 15 credit hours in a five week quarter. I should also note that my "shit hitting the fan" day was mentally wearing on me. I walked away from a certain social networking site to help free some time and not have some things in my face so to speak. This was also not a secret. So being offline for a few weeks was what I needed. I logged back on and posted a question in a super secret group that a few of us shared. I got a short, curt response which was the opposite of what I expected ... and said so. A week later I noticed no one had posted in there since ... this was strange b/c it was practically used like a chat room for the months before. So I posted again being my silly and sarcastic self "It's been awfully quiet in here lately ... the crickets have stopped chirping. And I think I even saw a tumbleweed roll by .... what's up??" Well the crickets were chirping, I think they even built a nest (or whatever it is they build) and started a family ... they have a whole city planned now b/c that post got me nothing. I posted about a week later (was I pushing it? I thought it was the best way to get BOTH of their attentions ... I mean we all check those little red notifications) "So I posted in here four days ago... nothing ... have I missed something or pissed you two off somehow?" Clear, to the point, no more beating around the tumbleweeds, right?
Nope ... that was three weeks ago and last week I had wracked my brains enough ... I am an over thinker (sad but true). I called and I had myself convinced that she wouldn't answer. She did. I wish I could say it wasn't awkward, that the crickets didn't find their way into the phone call. I asked how she was and told her I hadn't heard from her in so long and she said yeah. Yeah? I mentioned the super secret room and she said she is never in it anymore (and what about those notifications?). Finally I asked what I had done. And she said those dreaded words ... well if you don't know than ... Uhm we have been friends for eleven years ... we are bound to have pissed each other off and hurt each others feelings at some point or another. She said she would invite me to do things and I wouldn't commit. That on one occasion I had plans with her sister, her sister canceled and she said we should do something. I posted on that social site I was kidless and asked what was going on that night. The next day another friend had posted that she wish she would have known and we could have hung out... I replied I wished I had known as well that it would have been fun. My old friend was hurt and even posted something to the effect of "am I chopped liver." For the record I stayed home with a nice bottle of wine that night, alone. I turned down her offer and another friend's as well. She continued on saying that she figured I just found a new set of friends and had moved on, and she was okay with that. Wow, well for starters OUCH. I had spent the last month upset and confused and she was okay. She compared us to a bad relationship with a boyfriend saying she was calling and decided to just quit and see what happens and nothing did (during my network hiatus and my overwhelming schoolwork and being close to a mental breakdown). I tried to explain that it was not intentional but she used my statuses from when I logged back on against me... I saw you were out doing things with people. (Wait was I not allowed?) I told her I continued to comment and "like" her statuses but (as childish as it sounds) it was not reciprocated. None of them were even when it came to my girlie. She had nothing to say to that ... insert awkward silences.
I made this courageous call (I hate confrontation) on a drive to my daughter's football game, she is cheerleading this year (proud momma moment) and reception turned bad and the call dropped. Being on country roads I opted to not play phone tag. When I got to the school I texted her that we were there and knowing her hubby would be home (if he wasn't already) soon we would catch up the next day. The next day came and went with no word from her. I have gotten a "Like" on my status in regards to my hellish summer quarter being a successful one with straight A's. I want to call again but I worry I am pushing ... I am confused. I don't know what to do. The last thing I want is to hurt them and for it to be thought as intentional.
When I first started this blog I had no idea where it was going (I still don't) I just knew I needed an outlet. I didn't know if anyone would read it, or like it, or care. But I knew I would need to write this. It's a hard one and I am still anxious about it and who knows how clear it will be. Maybe it will answer some questions maybe it will create new ones (ask away). I am sure I will come off naive and even stupid, to this I say ... rose colored glasses are a bitch.
I met my ex-husband when I was in the 8th grade. We started dating the summer before my freshman year of high school. Let me correct that ... we went from talking on the phone to being in a relationship there was no winning over process, no flowers at the door. He was older by a couple years. I had a couple very small very insignificant "boyfriends" before the EX but they were just how they sound ... schoolyard boyfriends.
At 15 shortly after I started my sophomore year I discovered I was pregnant. I was scared and weak. I had no idea what to do. The EX was too, he was afraid I wouldn't have the baby. I did. I learned a lot that year. How truly small I am in the grand scheme of things. But how strong I am too. I did a lot of thinking and got my shit together academically (I was never a bad student but I need scholarships if I were to go to college) and I needed to figure out what I wanted to be "when I grew up." I had a kick-ass year despite everything. And four days after my sophomore year ended on June 9th at 6:09 pm I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. The next two years of high school flew by I was an AP student at the high school, went to the Career Center and my senior year juggled those two and even a couple classes at the community college. I graduated in the top ten of my class and in the National Honor Society. I loved high school. I look back at all the things I know I missed b/c I had extra responsibilities and I won't say it was easy but I loved the experience I had. I got those scholarships I worked so hard for. A lot of them.
I married the EX two months after graduating. We moved to Savannah the following month where I planned to attend the Savannah College of Art and Design. We had the tiny little place in a horrible neighborhood but it was ours ... and 10 minutes from the beach (ahh the beach, I miss the beach). I thought after all the struggles we went through we had paid our dues and happily ever after was ours. We were in Savannah for six weeks. His mom had suffered a major stroke and with family is where we needed to be. I have never regretted walking away from the school or all those scholarships, a year later my dad was diagnosed with cancer we would have been home sooner or later.
We were married eight years. Separated for six months before the divorce was finalized. But we struggled for years. I don't want to make it sound like I was without fault, it takes two, but I stood by him as much as I could. I watched the man I married, the father of my only child become someone else. Someone who had no relationship with his child (still doesn't) and slowly no relationship with me. I watched him lose pride in his family and in himself and go from a provider to an addict. I showed support when I got none because I thought he would have the "light bulb moment" and realize what he had. I stood beside him while he was in jail and told him when he got out he needed to be active in our family or be out of it. He was using again by the end of the first week. But still I fought for the marriage, for the idea.
I told my friends "I am just waiting for my sign" (they priced the cost of a billboard). The city where we were married and lived had a higher divorce rate than marriage rate at the time so organizations were popping up to prevent this trend from continuing. I heard about one such program and told the EX we needed to do this workshop. After much convincing he agreed, I paid. It was a one day thing, 9-5, lunch provided ... he walked out by 10:30. That was August 11th. It was the day after the anniversary of my father's death and already emotional time for me. It took me another four months to ask him to move out. Over that four months we had hundreds of "talks." I was the sole income of the household and had to commute out of town for work. I would come home from a long day and sit for hours discussing our issues, where he stood, and where I stood. To me it was simple ... choose your family or your addiction. He couldn't have both and no matter how much convincing he tried to do. It was black and white.
legally I had to let him stay there ... I gave him the basement but really that means he just slept in the basement. Within a week or two of him moving back in our daughter (and dogs) began sleeping in my room. And then I got my sign...
My sign came at about 4:30 in the morning. I was awoken by him saying my name asking if I was ok and shaking me slightly. Uhm for the record when I am jarred awake at 4:30 in the morning when I have to be at work in a few hours I AM NOT OK. He told me he saw hands and wires wrapped all around me and that people were yelling my name. He woke up my daughter too. I told him to get out of my room immediately. But I couldn't go back to sleep. I quietly got up a watched him for the next half an hour. He walked out one door went around the house and knocked on the other door. Over and over. He later went into my office and I followed him in there watched him talk to a corner, after seeing me he told me that they only wanted gas money, he saw two girls ... I saw a dark office. We fought and he forgot. He called his nephew and yelled at him for leaving (he was also never there). This went on till about 6:30 till I had to get ready for work. He came in after his nephew called him back to confirm what I had said, that he was never there, apologizing to me. But I had my sign and knew 100% without a doubt I was DONE. I called a lawyer that day.
Two weeks later, after my realtor refused to show my house unless I could guarantee without a doubt he was not going to be there (oh yes there is a story there), I had him at my lawyers office to sign the dissolution agreement. While there my realtor showed the house and I had an offer two days later. And I asked him (again) to move out. My house officially closed four years (almost to the day) that it was purchased. I even dropped off his last few boxes at his new place (it's hard to carry boxes on a bicycle). Three weeks after that I picked him up and drove him to the courthouse. Spent twenty minutes talking him out of the car so that I could get my divorce. Talk about an awkward drive to and from. It was one year EXACTLY from the day that he walked out on the marriage workshop.
That's part of my past ... in a nutshell. It is the part that took me the longest to sort through ... I continue to sort through it. I wish I could say that he has straightened his life up and gotten his priorities in order. I hear he is trying but actions speak louder than words. He has never followed the visitation order. Asked more about the dogs than his daughter. Pays no child support and only seen her once since Christmas of 2009.
It's been a long, a long time coming, but I know
A change gonna come. Oh yes it will.
Funny how sometimes you simply say what you want. What you feel you need. And within a short amount of time an opportunity presents itself. It doesn't happen often... which is why when it does you take it. You try not to over analyze it or run scared. I have said for a long time, I know I need out of my shell. I need to do things for me (and not let guilt sneak up on me). It's time.
I have creeped back into my shell recently. I had a situation that caused me to do so, not in a bad way but I thought my shell would help. My protective shell doesn't fit me anymore, huh interesting how this growth thing works.
I need to meet new people. That's what I said. And suddenly within the two weeks since I have said it I have more than a few new social networking friends, on a couple sites. I have a friend telling me she wants to introduce me to someone. And I feel more confident (crazy I just used that word in reference to myself) when I am talking to people. I said it, I put it out there for you Secret believers ... ask and you shall receive. I did this because my bubble is too small. I mainly have these 4 groups 1. Family 2. High School friends 3. College friends and 4. (Former) Work friends. Not that any of them are bad and not that any new person I meet won't fit into one of those categories or that there aren't a (loved) stray or two that aren't categorized. I selfishly admit I want more.
I said previously I feel I am purely ordinary to look at, I do believe that. Because of it I tend to roll my eyes when someone gives me a compliment. I simply don't see myself that way. I know this is my issue ... I'm getting better and trying to just smile and say thank you but often I feel awkward. Like when someone is singing Happy Birthday to me... what are you supposed to do? Give a compliment back? Ok uhm this is what I would like to do but admittedly I am very bad at this... I want to blame it on the EX. I probably went 6 of the 8 years we were married (that may be me being nice too) without a compliment, not even a "you look nice today" or even "a nice ass" (it is, this I acknowledge wholeheartedly). I was told by my EX's sister that I am intimidating that men would have a hard time approaching me because I come off strong and independent, like I don't need them. Well if you met me on the street you would know I am not the least bit intimidating. But I am strong and I am independent. I had to be. And if they are anything like her brother, the EX, and feel me to be too strong and independent to want them it's probably because they are too weak and needy for me anyway. And I don't want or need them!
So I here it is ... I am entering the world of meeting people. Seems silly I know. I plan on, very soon, writing a post that may help explain my crazy insecurities. But this is a big step .. it means I am meeting people, talking to people, attempting to get out of this cracked and super glued shell (that is suddenly too small for me) once and for all. No running no over analyzing. I am very go with the flow when in the moment but give me time to think .... and I will and will and will. I need both courage and encouragement but I can do this. Change gonna come, oh yes will.
It's the day after my birthday. Not a "big" birthday ... the milestone birthdays are gone now its checking off the decades I suppose. It was a nice birthday. Nothing grand (they never have been) my beautiful daughter got up and cleaned the living room and made me breakfast... a feast. I had a cup of coffee, bowl of cereal, sliced banana and cantaloupe, and my choice of bagel with whipped or non-whipped cream cheese all waiting for me once she allowed me downstairs. I did homework and we had dinner with friends. My child was somewhat traumatized by the hibachi grill experience but stuck with it until I was done eating.
So now what? Back to some retrospection I suppose. What's new? Nothing. What's old? Everything. I've been pretty quiet lately. Not much to say and it's somewhat unnerving to me. I am worried I am crawling back into my shell [insert Lady GaGa's egg here] I feel like I am on the inside with an industrial sized tube of super glue filling in all the cracks as I try to put it back together. DAMN! This is not where I want to be. And even as I say this is where I am, because this is where I have been before. And it doesn't feel right.
You know that moment you accomplish something great, something is done that you had such great anxiety you feel this weight physically lifted off of you? I have had it many times but I still carry a weight. I feel it with EVERY breath I take. I can't tell you how long it's been there or when I first noticed it. I feel this weight and my shell have a connection. Because as my shell seems to be cracked and reforming around me I have noticed the weight increase as well.
I need to break out of this shell... once and for all. Shatter the pieces and spread ashes like that of the person I once was. I just wish I knew what to do next...
I sit here exhausted. My new schedule is wearing on me. That's a good thing I suppose. But I miss my 2 am writing sessions.
I was talking with a friend about what it took for me to finally get to the point where I could walk away from my marriage. Not guilt-free, that is an impossibility. But walk away feeling confident in the decision. It took me 7.5 years ... my parent's probably gave it 3... 4 max ... but I stuck with it. I don't give up, not easily.
My ramblings aren't about the ending of my marriage ... I will save that for another day. Today, in this moment, the thought occurred to me that Happily Ever After doesn't mean a man and a woman are bound together through marriage and walk off into the sunset. It's not even about marriage or a couple. It's about getting to that place within you that you are happy... after the tumultuous events that have occurred. Confident that no matter what happens you are strong and able to go on. Did you catch that? YOU ARE STRONG, it's not about a "we" or an "us" it's about "YOU."
I was in that place. And it was great. And life threw sticks at me and it threw stones. It threw words ... and regardless of what the song says, they hurt. But I picked myself up dusted off and kept going in a direction I thought was forward. I was in a place of peace, My Peace. Still growing but content. And than I had that peace stolen from me ... little pieces at first and than a chunk here and there.
[ Enter Darkness ]
That's where I was. I won't go into the specifics of the pieces or chunks of Peace that were lost. I could name the Darkness I was in but I couldn't say that My Peace was taken from me. Weird I know but a friend pointed it out. And the moment she named it a little light came on in My Darkness. Yes, My Darkness, it is a place and I have named it. I know it's there and I know it's purpose.
My Peace is not in the place it was, it took a long time to get that amount of peace and quite honestly My Peace was cocky and it was arrogant. Because of this it likely had me take some jumps and leaps when baby steps were in order. But it is in the process of being restored. the foundation never crumbled so I am building from there. Today I am not in My Darkness, as familiar as it is. The door is slightly ajar and I can freely walk in and out of it. That's how I want it to be... open to me, not suffocating me.
I have written this blog for a few months now ... getting out the ramblings of the damaged. That is how it started. I needed it out, a place to store it and feel safe. But even though I have been honest here, I have been reserved too.
Over the course of the last year I have felt every emotion my little brain can think of. Fear, excitement, sadness, joy, anxiety, ecstasy, grief, happiness, guilt, confusion, loneliness, panic, love, belief, anger, hurt, contentment, betrayal, euphoria, loss ... and the list goes on. I am guarded and even writing this it is often difficult for me. How do I sound? Does it make sense? Did I reveal too much? Did I say the wrong thing? I over analyze ... it's me. I'm trying not to do that, really trying, but I have always done it.
I wrote a post called Steel & Water Don't Mix .. I did it in early-November ... it was one of my firsts but it was so hard for me to hit the little orange "Publish Post" I read it ... reread it ... edited it ... had someone else read it ... and started the process over again. I published it and quickly wrote another one. But I felt a sense of relief when it was done and out there, a weight was lifted. And my healing was great that day.
I have been reminded of the pain I felt when I first started that post, a new friend with a familiar soul. Our pain similar, our stories all too alike as well. I won't lie and say the pain has vanished ... the scar is still pink but the wound is closed. I do worry that I could have saved her from this pain, guilt comes easy to me. But old friends often fail to listen to me so how could I expect a new one to? I'm a romantic, and the idea of a sad tragedy having some "happily ever after" to come from it was enough for me to stay quiet. Who am I to stand in love's way? When he runs her off to wed in Vegas and they make beautiful babies my pain will have cause. Instead I learned that wasn't the case. Boy is what I had hoped him not to be yet again, a coward. And so now I am going to attempt to expel some anger and a little more hurt.
I suppose honesty is too much to ask of some people these days. I see no point in the lies. But I can only be me. True to myself and those around me. And I was that. I was true to boy and continue to be with everyone. When I first started talking to boy he asked "What is your biggest pet peeve?" My answer ... lying. Now I know boy's lies started even before this. But I don't get the purpose. I know life always throws stones at us attempting to shape us ... but why do it intentionally? Do you set out with the plan of hurting people? Is your heart the stainless steel I have come to think it is? Or do you like the feeling of falling in love, once your hook is in do you bore so easily you toss it back out to sea with a new scar? Is it really as simple as a game to you?
I don't hold hatred in my heart. I think of it much like a cancer eating away. I refuse to let boy own any piece of this heart in love or hate. The scar still remains, pink. As for my familiar soul... she is strong, probably much stronger than she thinks she is. I will be there for her as much as she wants me to. Help her laugh through it more than cry. Although our friendship is new I hope that it continues to grow I think we have a lot in common and much to learn from one another. Maybe that is the happy ending ... a new friend with a familiar soul.
I have been asked many times what do I want out of life. My answer is always simple but not at all detailed, to live and to experience. This is my personal list, and 2011 I hope you are ready because I plan on marking some items off this list. As always suggestions welcomed ;)
• Skydive
• Get my nose pierced
• Add to my personal canvas more, tattoos
• Travel ... travel ... travel
• Write a book
• Own a home again
• Own a vacation home
• Have a "weekend" car
• Like the reflection in the mirror
• Go on a shopping spree
• Take my family on a big vacation
• Never stop adding to this list
• Take pictures of EVERYTHING
• Love my family and friends like there is no tomorrow
• Never stop growing, learning, caring, and believing
• Learn to "let my hair down"
• Learn to play the guitar
• Learn to play the piano
• Fly on an airplane ... or a helicopter
• Experience as many concerts as I can
• Find something I love to do, can be passionate about .. and pays the bills
• Read, read, and read
• Break out of my shell
• Rid myself and my home of clutter
• Accept my inner darkness and let her out to play more
• Have stories to tell ... and pictures to prove it
• Always stay open minded
• Be honest ... even if it hurts ... especially with myself
• Help others
• Meet new people
• Always laugh and smile more than I frown and cry ... even if its hard
• Listen to my "gut" I have failed it more than it has me
• Remember I have no power over others, not through loyalty, love, friendship
or blood. I can only account for myself and my path ... theirs is theirs
to walk... with or without me beside them is their choice
• Hope optimism wins the internal war and not beat myself up when
pessimism wins a battle
• Not let fear get in my way
It's not complete, it's a start. This is my list for me and me alone, not that I don't have a list for my family life, or that these items will be done alone. I am tired of waiting for life to happen, I have to make it happen... 2011 is that start of that ;)
2010 I am simply glad to see you over. You taught me a lot and for that I thank you but honestly some of it I could have done without. If I had to sum my year up it would be "Ein Unglück kommt selten allein" which in English means "One disaster rarely comes alone."
Sadness and heartache I leave you behind. Being so insecure and shy... I hope to say goodbye to you soon too.
I am optimistic about 2011, strangely I feel a lot like I did a few years ago. I have a feeling this year will bring about changes. Changes in me and around me. Growth throughout. I have no resolutions to report, I just want this year to be better than the last.
Do you ever have those days where you just feel invisible? A day that you could be talking to people and then you realize they aren't listening. Maybe someone speaks over you in order for this realization to take place... maybe you just know.
Most days I have wanted to feel invisible. I have spent most of my life as a wallflower so the idea of being invisible is usually like cuddling up with a soft warm blanket on a cold night. Comfortable. But today it was anything but. My first post commented on my state of restlessness... maybe this is part of that, part of what was previously unnamed. I am shy, easily embarrassed and by no means outspoken but when I speak I would like to know that someone is listening.
I have no goal to ever be the center of attention but sometimes being noticed or appreciated and knowing I have made a difference by my actions would be nice. I am here. I am evolving. And through that change I want to be seen. To be heard. To be felt.
~ And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
–Anaïs Nin ~
I think that is where I am. This pain and restlessness is pushing me to bloom. To want more for myself and to validate the wants I have. So my goal for this coming new year is just that.
I sit here with no real purpose to this posting ... scrambled words running through my head. That's what my time has been like ... scrambled words running through my head. I haven't sat down and watched a movie for a while, I should try it again. Reading has been an escape for me ... the words on the page distract from the words in my head.
Some of my friends they say they are worried about me... I have lost too much weight (ha) ... I seem so down ... they haven't heard me say some of the not so flattering things about myself before now. I've said them, I've always said them ... maybe they just weren't heard before because they were said behind a smile? Am I sad, yes. I have reasons to be sad. I am allowed to be sad. I am a strong woman, I am sad but I am okay. So do I need to see a professional, do I need to go to counseling, ha again! No. I have my blog. Welcome to my couch. Maybe this will be read by one or a hundred people, maybe none. But the scrambled words are running from my head through my body and out my newly shortened and painted fingernails. And although sadness is in me I feel a bit of contentment as well. I know that the valleys seem so deep because the mountains are so big. My mountain climbing days are far from over.
My version went a little different than the scene which is like how the book describes it.
My version wasn't in person and went like this...
Boy: Have you ever been Cubed? Girl: Cubed? Boy: It's shrink's way of defining your character...it was made popular by the movie Serendipity. I'll ask you a series of questions, and you simply answer with the first thought that honestly comes to mind. Girl: Seen the movie... love the word... but no Boy: You wanna try it? Girl: I suppose, on one condition Boy: What's that? Girl: You answer the same questions? Boy: Deal... Now imagine a cube. Any cube, made of anything... Tell me the first thing that came to your mind...what color was it, what was it made of and what size was it? Girl: an ice cube, various shades of blue ... medium in size but melting Boy: Very good... picture you with it... where are you in relation to it? Girl: Not far but not close enough to touch either Boy: Now picture the environment around you and the cube... describe it... i.e. the season, temperature, shade of light, indoors or out. Girl: outside, its warm, I see light but through trees, lots of trees its humid and I hear birds and a waterfall Boy: Nice, now... imagine an equine creature...What kind is it, and where is it in relation to yourself and your cube? Girl: A black stallion, it's in the trees not close Boy: Okay, I need a minute to review ... hmm you're quite interesting Girl: uh oh what does that mean? Boy: Your cube is your heart Girl: Ice cold... how nice Boy: Yours is... well not so much emphasis on the temperature, but the current state... It's melting and shades of blue. The funny thing is that it's out of your reach, but not far. The environment is your current state of being... or the place you are in your life... You described a pleasant place with peaceful surroundings. So all in all it's quite interesting. Girl: And this equine creature? Boy: UHM, That's your current romantic interest. So you should probably know it's not fair for me to answer these as I know what it all means. I can tell you, but you wouldn't believe my answers... but I'll have you know, I cubed myself before I asked you if you'd ever been cubed... It was my way of coming to terms with everything going through my head. Girl: Well I am still curious enough to ask. Boy: My cube is very large... like house size. It's made from stainless steel, and has a man size door on one side. I am sitting on top of it. The environment is warm, the sun is slowly setting and the cube rests firmly in a grassy field surrounded by forests. The equine creature is Pegasus, and it's sitting perched near me on top. Good enough? Girl: Is there more? Boy: Not exactly...I've just never been able to picture an equine creature in the past. Let alone one like Pegasus, look it up on wikipedia... pay close attention to the notion of the springs.
And just like that the image stuck in the girl's head. Not the girl's cube, the melting ice cube of a heart. No... this house sized stainless steel structure. This cube with a man sized door on the side. The boy sat atop his legs over the side looking down over the edge while the sun set in the trees behind. With a magical creature, a white winged horse, Pegasus, behind him just over his left shoulder.
It was with her from that moment on, closing her eyes she can still see it. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt such inspiration. Always being an artist and always doing something creative but never before did something linger for so long. So she decided this image wasn't her's to create, it was his. The boy with the stainless steel heart, the boy who had the same material stamped with all his vital information draped around his neck. Pencil went to paper and paint soon followed. For months the image never wavered. Boy and girl chatted almost daily and often for hours at a time. Sometimes a week would go by when the girl didn't paint but the catalyst remained. Boy would go off and do his job and girl would miss those chats. Boy would come back and the chats would resume. He would tell girl how much she was missed and how thinking of her helped him get through. How boy had never missed anyone like that before and how much he liked girl. Girl painted more.
Then one day, many months after it all started, the chats were no more, the boy was gone. Boy didn't go off to do his job, boy just fell silent to girl. Girl was confused and tried to talk to boy... but boy was done with girl. And somehow girl although hurt by this was not surprised.
The image still coming to life on paper now felt cold as the stainless steel of the boy's heart. The girl's ice heart that had been melting began to refreeze. Unfinished as it was the girl could not stand to look at the painting anymore. She couldn't throw it away, many hours over months went into this, but now girl felt nothing but pain from it. The brilliant colors of the sunset against the dark of the trees, in the middle of a grassy field sat the stainless steel box. A door on the left side, rivets holding it all together. And on top sat a boy looking over, down at the door below, behind him just a pencil sketch of the winged horse. Girl wrapped the painting in plastic and sent it to boy. A letter saying it is left as we are left ... unfinished, the image was never mine, always yours. I never had any intention to keep it, only make it's partner ... the cube of ice, melting. It will take many more hours to finish so do with it what you want. Only send it back if we, like the painting, aren't finished.
Boy who was far away received the painting some weeks later. What he did with it is unknown. Girl can't even imagine what happened to it, she can only guess it went in the same place his birthday present went, where his broken promises went. But it is probably best she not know. The silence persists (again the girl is not surprised) but girl can only wonder, did the water rust the stainless steel?
Girl would like to thank boy, for making her begin to believe again, for that feeling when a heart that has been quiet for so long starts to slowly beat and come back to life. For being the first to call her gorgeous and tell her that her brown eyes are anything but boring. Girl would like to tell boy that the lies were never necessary. The obvious ones and the ones he has no idea she is aware of, like how his rank was of no matter to her. That she knows it wasn't all a lie which has confused her more. To ask why, and other questions she knows will never be answered. To tell boy that she misses the friendship she thought they had. And that even after all of it she wants the boy to be okay because she knows he has a lot of healing to do. Lastly, to let the boy know her heart was never ice, not really. She knows the ice was only there to protect her from boys like him.
But that boy will never know these things because this girl was so easily disregarded. But boy, with your soldier's honor, your fear for nothing and the standard you want your daughter to live up too, you are simply a coward.
I lost my father to cancer in 2004. It's been over six years and I can honestly say it could have been yesterday. He was truly the first person I lost to death's ugliness and he is the only loss I have felt so close to home. Since my fathers passing death has done horrible things to me. It disrupts my psyche in such a profound way it takes me back to that time. I don't have to even know this person who has passed, just knowing of them. Knowing how much they meant to someone I care about can utterly bring me to my knees. Empathy, isn't that what they call it? I may not have been blessed with much but empathy, I have in spades.
Death makes no sense in my tiny little head. The idea that someone who has here is just gone. Regardless of age or illness or circumstance. I am not able to comprehend it. To this day I still say things to the air for my Dad to hear. I go to the cemetery and talk to him. I often find myself looking at the front door when I leave Momma's because he was always there, waving me off. And I long to hear his voice call me any one of my silly nicknames once more. I am lucky enough to have recordings of his fabulous voice and I treasure them. One, recorded after he had become ill, is wishing everyone Happy Holidays, I tear up every time I hear it because he loved the holidays.
He was sick for a long time, but he was here longer than the Dr.'s said he would be. He was a fighter, that was my Dad. I admitted to few around me how sick he was, they knew he had cancer, that was all. I put a smile on my face and never let it fail. I was good at this, when I was around others. I went on with my days as though if I thought he would be better... he would than get better. I had a 45 minute drive to work, and every night the day of smiles started to come crashing around me, I let them. And for months I cried on those drives, cried the tears I wouldn't let anyone else see because I needed to be strong. I yelled at the radio and screamed with the song and got it all out in time to wipe the tears away and go to him.
One Saturday my brother and I went home, Mom said "it isn't good go talk to him" Dad preceded to tell us he loved us, to love one another, and care for one another. He told my brother to take care of his family, for his wife to take care of him. He told me the same. Both Mom and my brother told him it was okay, he could go, they understood. I stood there angry. How dare you tell him its okay to leave us, he isn't allowed I thought to myself. Internally I was screaming at them how he wasn't to go anywhere, his time was not done. He was still needed, I still needed him. And he didn't leave me...not that Saturday. I stayed home from work on Monday worried that I would not be there if I was needed. I felt useless but I was there. I went to work on Tuesday, a co-worker said I was making excuses to be young and dumb, saying that I just didn't want to be at work. That day I said it, I said it to only one person but the cat was out of the bag. "It's not good.. it's only a matter of time, I see that now" Within 8 hours of saying that he was gone. And I was numb. I know part of me died that day. The part that gets excited over Christmas and cares about my birthday. I had to be strong still, on the outside, but inside I couldn't think.
I go back there to that place. My most recent visit rocked me to my core. In this land of social networking and open forums word travels fast. It's not a matter of a phone call anymore, its a blog post or a status update. And from there the dam breaks. The flood of condolences rushes in on the pages of family members, or the lost. And our nature suddenly releases us to say things in death that in life was never said, why? That is what confounded me recently. If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, what would go on my wall? What would be written to me, to my mother, to my daughter, to my brother and to my friends? Have I lived the life of impact I wanted to? Have I told those around me how much they mean to me, and do they know how they helped shape and molded me into who I am? Can I ask myself the same for each of my loved ones?
Death is tragedy regardless of circumstance. I call it a tragedy, not tragic, because for those in the midst of it dark grips reality doesn't seem real. An unearthly nightmare plays out in slow motion. It's been said it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a village to mourn too. To surround yourself with memories of all the good times, to sing together and to learn to laugh again.
Lately I have felt restless. No real reason, at least no clear one at this point. Change is coming I can feel it in my bones. I only hope I am ready for whatever this change is, be it good or be it my next lesson. Isn't that what everyday really is? A Lesson. A lesson in life, in love, in loss, in hope, in dreams, in failing, in learning, and sometimes the lesson is as simple as stopping to digest and than breathing again.
I don't know where this is going, or why I feel the need to write it. I am not one who is good with words. I am not one who has really discovered anything she is good at. I am mediocre in most ways, a mere average human at best. Purely ordinary to look at by this worlds standards. And I am restless.
I am an unemployed graphic designer, going back to college but with an undeclared major. Yes, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I am imaginative and creative but those fields aren't in high demand today. I love to read, to learn, to listen to music. If I have passions outside my family and friends those are them.
Reading is my escape to the places I can not physically travel to at the moment, it allowed me to become someone else in some of my darkest days. Learning is an everyday thing for me, lately it's been more about self discovery than about what is in any of my textbooks. Music, ahh sweet music. Music is my air, it is pure to me and clean always there telling me what I want to hear allowing me to feel whatever emotion I need to let out at the moment. Music has never let me down, lied to me, or broken my heart.
I recently described myself as an unfinished piece of art, a canvas with much work left to do. I still think of myself that way .. I suppose I always will.
