It's been a long, a long time coming, but I know
A change gonna come. Oh yes it will.
Funny how sometimes you simply say what you want. What you feel you need. And within a short amount of time an opportunity presents itself. It doesn't happen often... which is why when it does you take it. You try not to over analyze it or run scared. I have said for a long time, I know I need out of my shell. I need to do things for me (and not let guilt sneak up on me). It's time.
I have creeped back into my shell recently. I had a situation that caused me to do so, not in a bad way but I thought my shell would help. My protective shell doesn't fit me anymore, huh interesting how this growth thing works.
I need to meet new people. That's what I said. And suddenly within the two weeks since I have said it I have more than a few new social networking friends, on a couple sites. I have a friend telling me she wants to introduce me to someone. And I feel more confident (crazy I just used that word in reference to myself) when I am talking to people. I said it, I put it out there for you Secret believers ... ask and you shall receive. I did this because my bubble is too small. I mainly have these 4 groups 1. Family 2. High School friends 3. College friends and 4. (Former) Work friends. Not that any of them are bad and not that any new person I meet won't fit into one of those categories or that there aren't a (loved) stray or two that aren't categorized. I selfishly admit I want more.
I said previously I feel I am purely ordinary to look at, I do believe that. Because of it I tend to roll my eyes when someone gives me a compliment. I simply don't see myself that way. I know this is my issue ... I'm getting better and trying to just smile and say thank you but often I feel awkward. Like when someone is singing Happy Birthday to me... what are you supposed to do? Give a compliment back? Ok uhm this is what I would like to do but admittedly I am very bad at this... I want to blame it on the EX. I probably went 6 of the 8 years we were married (that may be me being nice too) without a compliment, not even a "you look nice today" or even "a nice ass" (it is, this I acknowledge wholeheartedly). I was told by my EX's sister that I am intimidating that men would have a hard time approaching me because I come off strong and independent, like I don't need them. Well if you met me on the street you would know I am not the least bit intimidating. But I am strong and I am independent. I had to be. And if they are anything like her brother, the EX, and feel me to be too strong and independent to want them it's probably because they are too weak and needy for me anyway. And I don't want or need them!
So I here it is ... I am entering the world of meeting people. Seems silly I know. I plan on, very soon, writing a post that may help explain my crazy insecurities. But this is a big step .. it means I am meeting people, talking to people, attempting to get out of this cracked and super glued shell (that is suddenly too small for me) once and for all. No running no over analyzing. I am very go with the flow when in the moment but give me time to think .... and I will and will and will. I need both courage and encouragement but I can do this. Change gonna come, oh yes will.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
The day after...
It's the day after my birthday. Not a "big" birthday ... the milestone birthdays are gone now its checking off the decades I suppose. It was a nice birthday. Nothing grand (they never have been) my beautiful daughter got up and cleaned the living room and made me breakfast... a feast. I had a cup of coffee, bowl of cereal, sliced banana and cantaloupe, and my choice of bagel with whipped or non-whipped cream cheese all waiting for me once she allowed me downstairs. I did homework and we had dinner with friends. My child was somewhat traumatized by the hibachi grill experience but stuck with it until I was done eating.
So now what? Back to some retrospection I suppose. What's new? Nothing. What's old? Everything. I've been pretty quiet lately. Not much to say and it's somewhat unnerving to me. I am worried I am crawling back into my shell [insert Lady GaGa's egg here] I feel like I am on the inside with an industrial sized tube of super glue filling in all the cracks as I try to put it back together. DAMN! This is not where I want to be. And even as I say this is where I am, because this is where I have been before. And it doesn't feel right.
You know that moment you accomplish something great, something is done that you had such great anxiety you feel this weight physically lifted off of you? I have had it many times but I still carry a weight. I feel it with EVERY breath I take. I can't tell you how long it's been there or when I first noticed it. I feel this weight and my shell have a connection. Because as my shell seems to be cracked and reforming around me I have noticed the weight increase as well.
I need to break out of this shell... once and for all. Shatter the pieces and spread ashes like that of the person I once was. I just wish I knew what to do next...
So now what? Back to some retrospection I suppose. What's new? Nothing. What's old? Everything. I've been pretty quiet lately. Not much to say and it's somewhat unnerving to me. I am worried I am crawling back into my shell [insert Lady GaGa's egg here] I feel like I am on the inside with an industrial sized tube of super glue filling in all the cracks as I try to put it back together. DAMN! This is not where I want to be. And even as I say this is where I am, because this is where I have been before. And it doesn't feel right.
You know that moment you accomplish something great, something is done that you had such great anxiety you feel this weight physically lifted off of you? I have had it many times but I still carry a weight. I feel it with EVERY breath I take. I can't tell you how long it's been there or when I first noticed it. I feel this weight and my shell have a connection. Because as my shell seems to be cracked and reforming around me I have noticed the weight increase as well.
I need to break out of this shell... once and for all. Shatter the pieces and spread ashes like that of the person I once was. I just wish I knew what to do next...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Lesson 2 Happily Ever After
Let the ramblings commence...
I sit here exhausted. My new schedule is wearing on me. That's a good thing I suppose. But I miss my 2 am writing sessions.
I was talking with a friend about what it took for me to finally get to the point where I could walk away from my marriage. Not guilt-free, that is an impossibility. But walk away feeling confident in the decision. It took me 7.5 years ... my parent's probably gave it 3... 4 max ... but I stuck with it. I don't give up, not easily.
My ramblings aren't about the ending of my marriage ... I will save that for another day. Today, in this moment, the thought occurred to me that Happily Ever After doesn't mean a man and a woman are bound together through marriage and walk off into the sunset. It's not even about marriage or a couple. It's about getting to that place within you that you are happy... after the tumultuous events that have occurred. Confident that no matter what happens you are strong and able to go on. Did you catch that? YOU ARE STRONG, it's not about a "we" or an "us" it's about "YOU."
I was in that place. And it was great. And life threw sticks at me and it threw stones. It threw words ... and regardless of what the song says, they hurt. But I picked myself up dusted off and kept going in a direction I thought was forward. I was in a place of peace, My Peace. Still growing but content. And than I had that peace stolen from me ... little pieces at first and than a chunk here and there.
[ Enter Darkness ]
That's where I was. I won't go into the specifics of the pieces or chunks of Peace that were lost. I could name the Darkness I was in but I couldn't say that My Peace was taken from me. Weird I know but a friend pointed it out. And the moment she named it a little light came on in My Darkness. Yes, My Darkness, it is a place and I have named it. I know it's there and I know it's purpose.
My Peace is not in the place it was, it took a long time to get that amount of peace and quite honestly My Peace was cocky and it was arrogant. Because of this it likely had me take some jumps and leaps when baby steps were in order. But it is in the process of being restored. the foundation never crumbled so I am building from there. Today I am not in My Darkness, as familiar as it is. The door is slightly ajar and I can freely walk in and out of it. That's how I want it to be... open to me, not suffocating me.
I sit here exhausted. My new schedule is wearing on me. That's a good thing I suppose. But I miss my 2 am writing sessions.
I was talking with a friend about what it took for me to finally get to the point where I could walk away from my marriage. Not guilt-free, that is an impossibility. But walk away feeling confident in the decision. It took me 7.5 years ... my parent's probably gave it 3... 4 max ... but I stuck with it. I don't give up, not easily.
My ramblings aren't about the ending of my marriage ... I will save that for another day. Today, in this moment, the thought occurred to me that Happily Ever After doesn't mean a man and a woman are bound together through marriage and walk off into the sunset. It's not even about marriage or a couple. It's about getting to that place within you that you are happy... after the tumultuous events that have occurred. Confident that no matter what happens you are strong and able to go on. Did you catch that? YOU ARE STRONG, it's not about a "we" or an "us" it's about "YOU."
I was in that place. And it was great. And life threw sticks at me and it threw stones. It threw words ... and regardless of what the song says, they hurt. But I picked myself up dusted off and kept going in a direction I thought was forward. I was in a place of peace, My Peace. Still growing but content. And than I had that peace stolen from me ... little pieces at first and than a chunk here and there.
[ Enter Darkness ]
That's where I was. I won't go into the specifics of the pieces or chunks of Peace that were lost. I could name the Darkness I was in but I couldn't say that My Peace was taken from me. Weird I know but a friend pointed it out. And the moment she named it a little light came on in My Darkness. Yes, My Darkness, it is a place and I have named it. I know it's there and I know it's purpose.
My Peace is not in the place it was, it took a long time to get that amount of peace and quite honestly My Peace was cocky and it was arrogant. Because of this it likely had me take some jumps and leaps when baby steps were in order. But it is in the process of being restored. the foundation never crumbled so I am building from there. Today I am not in My Darkness, as familiar as it is. The door is slightly ajar and I can freely walk in and out of it. That's how I want it to be... open to me, not suffocating me.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Cause and Effect
I have written this blog for a few months now ... getting out the ramblings of the damaged. That is how it started. I needed it out, a place to store it and feel safe. But even though I have been honest here, I have been reserved too.
Over the course of the last year I have felt every emotion my little brain can think of. Fear, excitement, sadness, joy, anxiety, ecstasy, grief, happiness, guilt, confusion, loneliness, panic, love, belief, anger, hurt, contentment, betrayal, euphoria, loss ... and the list goes on. I am guarded and even writing this it is often difficult for me. How do I sound? Does it make sense? Did I reveal too much? Did I say the wrong thing? I over analyze ... it's me. I'm trying not to do that, really trying, but I have always done it.
I wrote a post called Steel & Water Don't Mix .. I did it in early-November ... it was one of my firsts but it was so hard for me to hit the little orange "Publish Post" I read it ... reread it ... edited it ... had someone else read it ... and started the process over again. I published it and quickly wrote another one. But I felt a sense of relief when it was done and out there, a weight was lifted. And my healing was great that day.
I have been reminded of the pain I felt when I first started that post, a new friend with a familiar soul. Our pain similar, our stories all too alike as well. I won't lie and say the pain has vanished ... the scar is still pink but the wound is closed. I do worry that I could have saved her from this pain, guilt comes easy to me. But old friends often fail to listen to me so how could I expect a new one to? I'm a romantic, and the idea of a sad tragedy having some "happily ever after" to come from it was enough for me to stay quiet. Who am I to stand in love's way? When he runs her off to wed in Vegas and they make beautiful babies my pain will have cause. Instead I learned that wasn't the case. Boy is what I had hoped him not to be yet again, a coward. And so now I am going to attempt to expel some anger and a little more hurt.
I suppose honesty is too much to ask of some people these days. I see no point in the lies. But I can only be me. True to myself and those around me. And I was that. I was true to boy and continue to be with everyone. When I first started talking to boy he asked "What is your biggest pet peeve?" My answer ... lying. Now I know boy's lies started even before this. But I don't get the purpose. I know life always throws stones at us attempting to shape us ... but why do it intentionally? Do you set out with the plan of hurting people? Is your heart the stainless steel I have come to think it is? Or do you like the feeling of falling in love, once your hook is in do you bore so easily you toss it back out to sea with a new scar? Is it really as simple as a game to you?
I don't hold hatred in my heart. I think of it much like a cancer eating away. I refuse to let boy own any piece of this heart in love or hate. The scar still remains, pink. As for my familiar soul... she is strong, probably much stronger than she thinks she is. I will be there for her as much as she wants me to. Help her laugh through it more than cry. Although our friendship is new I hope that it continues to grow I think we have a lot in common and much to learn from one another. Maybe that is the happy ending ... a new friend with a familiar soul.
Over the course of the last year I have felt every emotion my little brain can think of. Fear, excitement, sadness, joy, anxiety, ecstasy, grief, happiness, guilt, confusion, loneliness, panic, love, belief, anger, hurt, contentment, betrayal, euphoria, loss ... and the list goes on. I am guarded and even writing this it is often difficult for me. How do I sound? Does it make sense? Did I reveal too much? Did I say the wrong thing? I over analyze ... it's me. I'm trying not to do that, really trying, but I have always done it.
I wrote a post called Steel & Water Don't Mix .. I did it in early-November ... it was one of my firsts but it was so hard for me to hit the little orange "Publish Post" I read it ... reread it ... edited it ... had someone else read it ... and started the process over again. I published it and quickly wrote another one. But I felt a sense of relief when it was done and out there, a weight was lifted. And my healing was great that day.
I have been reminded of the pain I felt when I first started that post, a new friend with a familiar soul. Our pain similar, our stories all too alike as well. I won't lie and say the pain has vanished ... the scar is still pink but the wound is closed. I do worry that I could have saved her from this pain, guilt comes easy to me. But old friends often fail to listen to me so how could I expect a new one to? I'm a romantic, and the idea of a sad tragedy having some "happily ever after" to come from it was enough for me to stay quiet. Who am I to stand in love's way? When he runs her off to wed in Vegas and they make beautiful babies my pain will have cause. Instead I learned that wasn't the case. Boy is what I had hoped him not to be yet again, a coward. And so now I am going to attempt to expel some anger and a little more hurt.
I suppose honesty is too much to ask of some people these days. I see no point in the lies. But I can only be me. True to myself and those around me. And I was that. I was true to boy and continue to be with everyone. When I first started talking to boy he asked "What is your biggest pet peeve?" My answer ... lying. Now I know boy's lies started even before this. But I don't get the purpose. I know life always throws stones at us attempting to shape us ... but why do it intentionally? Do you set out with the plan of hurting people? Is your heart the stainless steel I have come to think it is? Or do you like the feeling of falling in love, once your hook is in do you bore so easily you toss it back out to sea with a new scar? Is it really as simple as a game to you?
I don't hold hatred in my heart. I think of it much like a cancer eating away. I refuse to let boy own any piece of this heart in love or hate. The scar still remains, pink. As for my familiar soul... she is strong, probably much stronger than she thinks she is. I will be there for her as much as she wants me to. Help her laugh through it more than cry. Although our friendship is new I hope that it continues to grow I think we have a lot in common and much to learn from one another. Maybe that is the happy ending ... a new friend with a familiar soul.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 ... are you ready?
I have said my farewells to 2010.
I have been asked many times what do I want out of life. My answer is always simple but not at all detailed, to live and to experience. This is my personal list, and 2011 I hope you are ready because I plan on marking some items off this list. As always suggestions welcomed ;)
• Skydive
• Get my nose pierced
• Add to my personal canvas more, tattoos
• Travel ... travel ... travel
• Write a book
• Own a home again
• Own a vacation home
• Have a "weekend" car
• Like the reflection in the mirror
• Go on a shopping spree
• Take my family on a big vacation
• Never stop adding to this list
• Take pictures of EVERYTHING
• Love my family and friends like there is no tomorrow
• Never stop growing, learning, caring, and believing
• Learn to "let my hair down"
• Learn to play the guitar
• Learn to play the piano
• Fly on an airplane ... or a helicopter
• Experience as many concerts as I can
• Find something I love to do, can be passionate about .. and pays the bills
• Read, read, and read
• Break out of my shell
• Rid myself and my home of clutter
• Accept my inner darkness and let her out to play more
• Have stories to tell ... and pictures to prove it
• Always stay open minded
• Be honest ... even if it hurts ... especially with myself
• Help others
• Meet new people
• Always laugh and smile more than I frown and cry ... even if its hard
• Listen to my "gut" I have failed it more than it has me
• Remember I have no power over others, not through loyalty, love, friendship
or blood. I can only account for myself and my path ... theirs is theirs
to walk... with or without me beside them is their choice
• Hope optimism wins the internal war and not beat myself up when
pessimism wins a battle
• Not let fear get in my way
It's not complete, it's a start. This is my list for me and me alone, not that I don't have a list for my family life, or that these items will be done alone. I am tired of waiting for life to happen, I have to make it happen... 2011 is that start of that ;)
I have been asked many times what do I want out of life. My answer is always simple but not at all detailed, to live and to experience. This is my personal list, and 2011 I hope you are ready because I plan on marking some items off this list. As always suggestions welcomed ;)
• Skydive
• Get my nose pierced
• Add to my personal canvas more, tattoos
• Travel ... travel ... travel
• Write a book
• Own a home again
• Own a vacation home
• Have a "weekend" car
• Like the reflection in the mirror
• Go on a shopping spree
• Take my family on a big vacation
• Never stop adding to this list
• Take pictures of EVERYTHING
• Love my family and friends like there is no tomorrow
• Never stop growing, learning, caring, and believing
• Learn to "let my hair down"
• Learn to play the guitar
• Learn to play the piano
• Fly on an airplane ... or a helicopter
• Experience as many concerts as I can
• Find something I love to do, can be passionate about .. and pays the bills
• Read, read, and read
• Break out of my shell
• Rid myself and my home of clutter
• Accept my inner darkness and let her out to play more
• Have stories to tell ... and pictures to prove it
• Always stay open minded
• Be honest ... even if it hurts ... especially with myself
• Help others
• Meet new people
• Always laugh and smile more than I frown and cry ... even if its hard
• Listen to my "gut" I have failed it more than it has me
• Remember I have no power over others, not through loyalty, love, friendship
or blood. I can only account for myself and my path ... theirs is theirs
to walk... with or without me beside them is their choice
• Hope optimism wins the internal war and not beat myself up when
pessimism wins a battle
• Not let fear get in my way
It's not complete, it's a start. This is my list for me and me alone, not that I don't have a list for my family life, or that these items will be done alone. I am tired of waiting for life to happen, I have to make it happen... 2011 is that start of that ;)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
2010
2010 I am simply glad to see you over. You taught me a lot and for that I thank you but honestly some of it I could have done without. If I had to sum my year up it would be "Ein Unglück kommt selten allein" which in English means "One disaster rarely comes alone."
Sadness and heartache I leave you behind. Being so insecure and shy... I hope to say goodbye to you soon too.
I am optimistic about 2011, strangely I feel a lot like I did a few years ago. I have a feeling this year will bring about changes. Changes in me and around me. Growth throughout. I have no resolutions to report, I just want this year to be better than the last.
Sadness and heartache I leave you behind. Being so insecure and shy... I hope to say goodbye to you soon too.
I am optimistic about 2011, strangely I feel a lot like I did a few years ago. I have a feeling this year will bring about changes. Changes in me and around me. Growth throughout. I have no resolutions to report, I just want this year to be better than the last.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Invisible Me
Do you ever have those days where you just feel invisible? A day that you could be talking to people and then you realize they aren't listening. Maybe someone speaks over you in order for this realization to take place... maybe you just know.
Most days I have wanted to feel invisible. I have spent most of my life as a wallflower so the idea of being invisible is usually like cuddling up with a soft warm blanket on a cold night. Comfortable. But today it was anything but. My first post commented on my state of restlessness... maybe this is part of that, part of what was previously unnamed. I am shy, easily embarrassed and by no means outspoken but when I speak I would like to know that someone is listening.
I have no goal to ever be the center of attention but sometimes being noticed or appreciated and knowing I have made a difference by my actions would be nice. I am here. I am evolving. And through that change I want to be seen. To be heard. To be felt.
Most days I have wanted to feel invisible. I have spent most of my life as a wallflower so the idea of being invisible is usually like cuddling up with a soft warm blanket on a cold night. Comfortable. But today it was anything but. My first post commented on my state of restlessness... maybe this is part of that, part of what was previously unnamed. I am shy, easily embarrassed and by no means outspoken but when I speak I would like to know that someone is listening.
I have no goal to ever be the center of attention but sometimes being noticed or appreciated and knowing I have made a difference by my actions would be nice. I am here. I am evolving. And through that change I want to be seen. To be heard. To be felt.
~ And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.I think that is where I am. This pain and restlessness is pushing me to bloom. To want more for myself and to validate the wants I have. So my goal for this coming new year is just that.
–Anaïs Nin ~
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